i just sent this text using only my big toe
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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