im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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