I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
