the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
