when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
