you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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