That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
