Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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