Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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