you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
