I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
