how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
