mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
