dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
