sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
