Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
