My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
