I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
