do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
