i love accidental penises.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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