My friends, they love my intelligence
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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