CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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