We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
