mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Found the puke drawer
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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