I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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