I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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