The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
