OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
