after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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