How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
