I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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