Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
