I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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