Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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