Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
