I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
