eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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