Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
