I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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