I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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