I think my fart just growled at me.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
