Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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