Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
