You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Never joke about your clitoris.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
