Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
