i was born a porn star she said
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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