I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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