Midget sex pt 2 tonight
this beer tastes like vomit already
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
