My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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