genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
