i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
